


A Funny Thing Happened on the Way Through the Stargate (5 Unrelated Ficlets)

by Welfycat



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Community: stargateland, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-09
Updated: 2012-02-08
Packaged: 2017-10-30 20:22:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/335693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Welfycat/pseuds/Welfycat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five short humorous team centric ficlets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Five Games Vala Mal Doran Plays on her iPhone

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Joy

Five Games Vala Mal Doran Plays on her iPhone

1\. Dungeon Hunter  
This game is self explanatory really. Her character, her avatar as Cameron had described it, went on adventures, killed things, and got treasure in return. Treasure! It was like real life, except she got to go to travel through space to other planets to liberate treasure - and occasionally kill things, though only when they were out of other options. When she'd asked Cameron what planet the game was supposed to be taking place on, he said that he would install KotOR on one of the base computers next time they had a weekend off. Whatever that meant.

2\. Plants vs Zombies  
It had taken Teal'c having a zombie movie marathon for her to get this game, and to be honest she still didn't really understand the idea. The only moving plants she'd seen on Earth were ones at the store that sung and danced (Daniel had refused to buy her one) and on some other planets the plants seemed interesting in eating them, not simply destroying them. Even though she didn't really understand the concept of the game she found the act of carefully preserving her plants while killing zombies to be oddly cathartic.

3\. Bejeweled  
Although she'd originally been attracted by the idea of jewels, Vala had stayed for the fierce competition between the staff of the SGC for the high score. The fact that the game could be easily closed before someone realized it was being played during a briefing was all the better.

4\. Tiny Tower  
Walter, the 'gate technician that Vala had become rather close friends with, had been the one to install this one on her phone. She'd been skeptical at first: why would anyone possibly want to build a city inside of one building? She'd seen worlds like that and it was never pretty. She'd quickly grown attached to inhabitants of her tower though and she was now only four levels behind Walter. More importantly, she was ten levels above Cameron.

5\. Triple Town  
Both Sam and Daniel had looked over this game before giving up on it, leaving Vala to figure it out for herself. Once she'd finally found a strategy, after spending two hours sitting on the floor of Sam's lab while Sam and Daniel fiddled with some device they'd recovered from an abandoned planet, she spent another hour racking up a high score. She would have continued but after that the device sent some kind of electric charge through the entire base and knocked out all of their electronic equipment for nearly a full day before they got everything up and running again. 

And the one game on her iPhone she doesn't play:

6\. Angry Birds  
Vala had fiddled with this one for a few minutes before she'd gotten bored and instead downloaded an interesting little game where she could crush people and buildings just by touching the screen. She'd forgotten to delete Angry Birds (why were they so angry?) and had left her phone on the table in Daniel's office when someone announced that the 'gate was under attack. When she'd returned a few hours later she found Daniel slumped down in his chair with her phone in his hands and the unmistakable sound of little birds imploding as they impacted with unsound structures. She left the game on her phone and when she noticed Daniel was having a particularly rough morning she would leave her phone on Daniel's table for an hour or two. If bird murder made Daniel happy, who was she to judge?

*(KotOR is Knights of the Old Republic, a Star Wars RPG video game.)


	2. It's Anthropological

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Rhythm

It's Anthropological

There was a smattered round of applause as the final notes of _Don't You Want Me_ rung out across the room and Bill Lee bounded off the stage looking a little bit flushed.

"You know, I'm not sure that an SGC karaoke night is really the best use of our time," Jack said quietly, leaning so that he could speak so that only Sam would hear him. "As amusing as it is, I'm not sure I'm ever going to recover from Mitchell's rendition of Billy Joel's _Uptown Girl_. Half of these people can't keep a rhythm even with the help of that machine. Though, we might have discovered a new weapon against the Ori."

Sam smiled and turned her head and torso so that she was facing Jack. "I thought it was sweet. Besides, I heard you join in on the chorus."

"Singing in groups is actually an important cultural experience. It's only in the past forty years or so that our culture has moved towards a performance and ability orientation when it comes to music," Daniel said as he flipped through the karaoke catalogue.

"I don't see you volunteering," Jack said with raised eyebrows.

Daniel smiled. "I'm an anthropologist. I'm observing without interfering."

"Uh huh," Jack said.

"Your voice is very nice, Daniel. You certainly did well with the natives on P3X-923," Sam said, reaching back to take the catalogue from his hands. She looked back up to the stage and smiled when she saw Teal'c climbing up looking entirely too serious for karaoke. "Besides, it's a good opportunity to let some of our off-world employees experience some of our musical traditions."

"Exactly," Daniel said, looking approvingly at Sam before he directed his attention to the stage as well.

"This melody is called _Hey Jude_ and was first sung by a group of beetles," Teal'c informed them somberly after picking up the microphone.

Sam grinned when she heard Jack and Daniel's soft exclamations and cheered along with everyone else as Teal'c started to sing.


	3. Who's Laughing Now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Pants

Who's Laughing Now?

Cameron Mitchell wasn't generally a big believer in justice in the universe. He'd seen entire planets wiped out for daring to stand up to the Ori. He'd seen friends and fellow soldiers shot down because they were possessed by a Goa'uld symbiote. Worse, he'd seen friends and fellow soldiers trapped in their own minds while their bodies fled before they could be killed. Earth wasn't a particularly fair place itself and there was no utopia in the stars, or at least not that he'd discovered.

This, though? This was justice.

Cam folded his arms and didn't even bother to keep the grin off his face. "Well? How did it happen?"

Teal'c was the only one who didn't look embarrassed.

"The local town wanted mine in exchange for allowing our safe passage," Daniel said, his skin flushing even under the unshaven stubble that covered his lower face and neck. His hands hung by his sides even though he kept his body turned away from the rest of the group.

"The edge got caught in a machine with moving parts. I had to cut myself free before it dragged me in." Sam shifted and adjusted where she'd tied her jacket around her waist to preserve some of her modesty. When everyone waited silently she continued "and by the time I managed to get one leg free the other had been caught too. I had to cut completely through the waistband to get them off and the machine consumed the fabric."

"I was led astray into a pit filled with some type of corrosive liquid. I was fortunate to escape with my life," Teal'c stated.

Cam smiled and slid his hands into his pockets, pockets in the pair of pants he was still wearing. "Looks like the shoe is on the other foot now."

"Cam, where are your boots?" Sam asked.

Everyone's gaze fell to Cam's bare feet. He wiggled his toes on the dusty cave floor. "There may have been a slight misunderstanding with a group of kids." Silence filled the cave but Cam refused to elaborate further. He still had his pants and that was all that mattered.


	4. Don't Even Ask

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Honesty

Don't Even Ask

"And only the truth will be spoken for the next cycle. So it be said, so it be done, by the will and the stars above," the man in the long robe said, bowing his head before he tapped his staff on the rough cobble stone path twice and walked away.

"How long is a cycle?" Daniel shouted after the small crowd that was walking away. There was no answer, no one even looked back.

They had been ambushed almost immediately when they walked into the edge of the town, though there had been no weapons involved. The townspeople had chanted at them in a language that Daniel felt like he could almost understand. From Jonas's frown of confusion and his tipped head, Daniel suspected he was having the same difficulty.

"Who wants to try it out?" Jack asked reluctantly. Daniel bit down on his lower lip to keep him from actually saying that he didn't want to volunteer.

"Try what out?" Jonas asked, looking around the now empty edge of the town.

"Carter, you're up. How do you feel about cantaloupes?" Jack asked, turning to where Sam was slowly turning red with frustration and embarrassment.

She managed not to say anything for a full minute, her hands starting to shake as she pressed them down against her tac-vest. "I think they're disturbing and unnatural," she said, gasping and stumbling after she spoke.

Jonas caught her arm before she fell to the ground.

"How bad?" Daniel asked, watching as Sam steadied herself.

"Painful. I couldn't hold out any longer," she said, her hand coming up to cover her mouth. "That's not what I meant to say."

Daniel winced and looked away.

"Okay, what is going on here?" Jonas asked, standing awkwardly where Sam had shaken away his helping hand.

"Truth spell. Don't ask us how it works, it just does," Jack said, glaring in the direction the villagers had gone.

"This has happened before?" Jonas asked.

There was a pause and Daniel came to a realization. "Yes, more than you'd want to know. But, it seems like if the question is asked in general there's only a mild compulsion to answer instead of physical pain," he said, waving his hand to indicate Sam.

"You know the drill. Back to the 'gate," Jack said. "No asking questions, just don't talk if you don't have to say something important."

"For how long?" Jonas asked as they turned themselves around.

"For a cycle. However long that is. What did I say about asking questions?" Jack said, raising his hand to his forehead as he realized he'd just asked a question.

"You said not to ask them," Jonas said quickly, seeming surprised that he'd spoken. "Oh."

Teal'c nodded. "Indeed."


	5. Under Duress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Torment  
> Content Notes: Captivity and anticipated torture. PG.

Under Duress

"You will give us the information that we seek. There is simply no other option," the man said, striding across the room with enough edge to his steps that it was clear he wasn't as calm as he was pretending to be.

"Will I?" Jack asked, his voice a carefully cultivated bored drawl. He wasn't afraid. He'd been captured before, a lot actually, and this guy was about as harmful as a fruit fly so far. Jack inspected the shackles that were binding his wrists in front of him. He was reasonably sure that he slip out of them as soon as the man and his two guards left.

The man noticed that he had lost Jack's attention. "Are the restraints causing you pain? You wish to be released from them, is that not so?"

Jack nodded with exaggeration. "Yes, I would very much not like to be chained up in your little dungeon here."

"Ah ha! You will not be released until you tell us what we want to know. What is the location of your home world? What is your agenda?" The man leaned in over the chair Jack was sitting in. "Perhaps you are thirsty or hungry? Do you desire sustenance?"

"Not particularly," Jack said honestly. They'd only had him for about twenty minutes now and he'd had a late lunch.

"But you will. And you will not receive more than the daily meals until we are satisfied with your answers." The man stood triumphantly and waited for a response.

Jack paused and tried to decide if acting scared and meek might actually be the best way to get out of this without losing his mind due to boredom. Nah. "Okay," he said and shrugged, the chain between the shackles clinking with the motion.

The man frowned and stepped away, starting to pace once more. "Your people are obviously warriors for you to not flinch in fear when you are held captive. However, even the most fearsome warriors have crumbled under our unheard of torments."

"I'm shaking in my boots," Jack said dryly. He blinked suddenly when the man approached and knelt down before him and started to unlace Jack's boots. "Whoa, cowboy, what do you think you're doing?" 

"Now you shall have no boots to shake in," the main said triumphantly as he pulled Jack's boots from his feet.

Jack watched as the man placed his boots at the edge of the room and neatly tucked the laces inside.

"First!" the man said as he spun around suddenly. "You will face our most dangerous effigy; the idol of the patron of darkness and despair!"

The two guards dragged over something that was covered in cloth and placed it in front of Jack before cautiously backing away.

"We will leave you to face him for a full mark of time," the man said gravely as he turned over an hourglass that wasn't shaped the way as those found on Earth. "You take your sanity into your own hands. I would not have to do this if you would tell us what we want to know."

The man pulled the cloth off of the statue. 

Jack stared, blinked, and then stared some more. It was a clown that was carved from wood, from the too large pants to the bulbous end of the nose. Jack sighed and tipped his head back against the back of his chair. Where the hell was his team?


End file.
